Secure Attachment Style: Signs and How to Develop It in Adulthood

Secure attachment is not "the absence of problems." It's not an "ideal childhood." It's a specific set of response patterns and internal beliefs about relationships. And the good news: these can be developed.

1. What Secure Attachment Looks Like

In relationships, a securely attached person:

• Comfortably gives and receives intimacy
• Can depend on a partner and allow a partner to depend on them
• Trusts their partner without constant anxiety
• Manages conflicts without avoidance or engulfment
• Can be "separate" from their partner without losing connection
• Expresses needs directly

2. Internal Beliefs in Secure Attachment

• "I am worthy of love"
• "Others are generally benevolent and reliable"
• "Intimacy is safe"
• "If I express my needs, I won't be rejected"

3. How to Develop Secure Attachment (Earned Security)

"Earned security" is a scientific term for acquired secure attachment in adults. Pathways:

• Experience of secure relationships: a romantic partner, friends, a therapist with secure attachment
• Psychotherapy: a long-term therapeutic relationship as a model
• Cognitive work: awareness and challenging of beliefs about oneself and relationships
• Reflective functioning: the ability to understand one's own and others' behavior through mental states — this is itself a sign of secure attachment and can be developed

Talk to our AI psychologist psybot.app. Read also: Attachment Theory.