Comparison and Favoritism: Why It Is Harmful and How to Stop
Comparing children ("Look at your sister — she would never do that") and having a "favorite" create long-lasting psychological patterns. What to do.
"Masha could already read at your age." "Why can't you be like your brother?" Comparing children is one of the most common parenting patterns. And one of the most harmful.
1. Consequences of Comparison
- Rivalry between siblings
- Lowered self-esteem in the "compared" child
- Resentment toward the "model" child (even when they are not at fault)
- Motivation from fear of failure, not from interest
- The belief "I am not good enough"
2. The Golden Child — Scapegoat Dynamic
In families with clear favoritism — one child is "golden," another is "the problem one." Both suffer: the "golden" child carries the burden of unrealistic expectations; the "scapegoat" carries the family's stress. Both roles deform development.
3. What to Do Instead of Comparing
- Compare the child with themselves: "You handled this better than last time"
- Notice each child's unique strengths
- Give each child individual one-on-one time
- Don't make one child an "example" for another
Talk to our AI psychologist psybot.app. Read also: Conditional Love.