The codependent and the narcissist are drawn to each other — and this is not coincidence. How two types of pathological narcissism find each other and sustain mutual dysfunction.
"Why do I keep choosing narcissists?" Codependent people are disproportionately found in relationships with narcissists. This is not bad luck or weakness. It is the mutual complementarity of two patterns formed by similar childhood traumas.
The codependent person learned in childhood: "My worth is in how much I give and help others." "My needs don't matter." "Love must be earned." They learned to "rescue," care, please — and find meaning in relationships where they are needed.
The narcissist fits perfectly: they constantly need, demand care and attention, and in the initial stage generously "rewards" the codependent with admiration and love. This is an ideal match of core schemas.
The paradox: the codependent is not the "anti-narcissist." According to Kohut and Johnson, codependency is also a self pathology. The narcissistic deficit is simply expressed differently: not through grandiosity, but through self-erasure in service to another. Both lack stable contact with their own self.
The way out of this cycle is individual work, not simply changing partners. For the codependent — learning to notice their own needs, set boundaries, bear guilt without collapsing. This takes time — and is worth it.
Want to explore your situation?
Talk to an AI psychologist — anonymous, non-judgmental, whenever you need
🌿Start a conversationDisclaimer
This article is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are in a crisis situation, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional or a crisis helpline.